Why Your Sister-In-Law Drives You Crazy Every Christmas
It happens every year. You walk into the warm living room, the scent of cinnamon and pine in the air. Your family is already gathered around the table.
And there she is. Your sister-in-law in all her glory. Loud. Opinionated. Throwing her head back laughing at her own joke.
You hug her. You smile. You tell yourself to be civil.
Ten minutes later, she's telling everyone about the spontaneous trip she just booked. "We leave next week – I know, I know, it's crazy but life's too short!" She's gesturing wildly with her wine glass. Your jaw tightens. Your mother is nodding along, charmed. Your husband is grinning.
And you're thinking: Must be nice to just do whatever you want. Some of us have responsibilities.
The judgment sits in your throat like a stone.
But deep down, in a place you don't really want to look, you know this reaction is more about you than her.
There's an old saying: when you point a finger at someone, three fingers point back at you. It usually gets a laugh. But during the holidays, it becomes uncomfortably accurate. Because what we judge in others often reveals something hidden in ourselves.
In shadow work, we call this mirror work – the traits that bother us most in others are often the traits we had to hide in ourselves.
Maybe when you were younger, you were told you were too much. Too loud. Too dramatic. Too selfish. So you learned to tone it down. You learned to be manageable. Pleasant. Well-behaved. You became the sensible one. The grounded one. The one who could be counted on.
And then someone like your sister-in-law walks into the room. Living out loud. Booking spontaneous trips. Laughing without apologizing for the volume.
The irritation makes sense, doesn't it? Because underneath the judgment, there's longing. Maybe even a little grief. I want to be like that. Or, I miss being like that. Or, I wish I had that courage.
And the holidays make everything more intense. The house is crowded. Everyone is tired. Old family roles snap back into place. You know that feeling of sliding right back into a younger version of yourself the moment you walk through the door? And the part of you that evolved this year? Somehow you cannot find it anymore.
So when your sister-in-law shows up being bold and relaxed and unapologetic, you react. Not because she's doing anything wrong. But because she's mirroring a part of you that's suffocating under the weight of who you've had to be.
But here's what's true: the trait you judge often carries something beautiful. The loud person may embody self-trust. The flaky person may embody creativity. The selfish person may embody healthy boundaries. The dreamy person may embody intuition.
So what do you do with this? How do you work with family triggers when your whole body is screaming irritation?
What if this year could be different?
You pause. One breath into your belly. And instead of spinning into the familiar judgment, you ask yourself: If I could be spontaneous like her, how would it feel?
Maybe you even place a hand on your chest, just for a moment. Feel your own warmth towards yourself. Acknowledge that part of you that's been quiet for so long. Let the trigger become an invitation.
So, this Christmas, you walk into the same living room. Same cinnamon and pine. Same gathering around the table.
And there she is again. Your sister-in-law, laughing about yet another last-minute adventure.
But this time, something shifts. You feel the familiar tightness start in your chest – and then you breathe into it. You recognize it for what it is. Not anger at her. Longing in you.
You hear yourself say, "That sounds amazing. Tell me more."
And you mean it.
And maybe this year, instead of getting caught in the same pattern, you use the moment as a doorway back to yourself.
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